I woke up on February 14 with a genuine desire to get married with absolutely little or no feelings for Valentine. Though every red paintings, decorations and the day's activity blazed into my eyes, my innermost NEED is to have and to hold for better for poorer, in sickness and health till forever amen.
Customarily, I send several text messages to the man who's thrown me off my donkey and made this time in my life really meaningful. Its so sweet to love,the mystery of love(not fantasies or lust) lies with God who understands when a man loves a woman. I have never felt this loved and so taken off guard,I have had relationships in the past which I was partially committed to. My dear friends way back in University told me I was as hard as "rocks"(un emotional and in charge). All that was a farce or a mirage of the real me.
From the beginning of this month,I have been on a love spree not minding if its called the love month though I wanted my man to realize how red my heart is and to shock myself how much I can walk a thousand miles for a man who doesn't always love but also annoys me to the point where I refuse his calls(all nah yanga,"gra-gra" posing for attention). As a matter of fact, I choke the life out of him(so he says) and that makes him feel so accepted and so wanted. Yeah, that's no" cheapening"(making me lose my worth) myself but makes love a two way thing as Christ is to the church. He loves me more I think but he says I love him more than he does...whatever we just love!
But somewhere in the day while reading a certain mind blowing book, I stumbled on a part that addressed making life decisions(including marriage), my heart skipped and fear came knocking. I took time to meditate on the reasons I love this particular man not another?
Yeah, I am a full grown woman,very ripe to have a home yet crippled by fear. I hear or read people's experiences and wonder at love?I used to think I'm a love maestro until I realised how stiff I am with a man. I do not let my guards down so easily, I am so aware of my environment meaning I could jump in and jump out without a crease on my heart(all lies because I hurt).
So, I scribbled a love note to God the way I could express myself-with sobriety and pain that at some point I knelt down, I stretched out on the floor, I paced the room and I hardly remembered food.
I wrote some letters in three different ways: first repenting for all my past, second(the ONLY one I'd share here) listing some fears I've had and third was some deep self discovery.
Lo! the letter to God:
"Lord, its not time to beat myself for running into love and I'm sure its not a mistake I chose to love a man. You encouraged me to look on the brighter side of my past experiences. Though I've goofed a lot of times, made choices with my head and run ahead of you several times, I'm clean now and following you the best I can.
I've sat on a horse weigh too long taking all the time in my world to alight. I've dictated to you and refused to be "tweakable" to the demands of love. I'm too proud to beg and extremely set in my ways to let a man ruffle shoulders with me. I've carried mama's attitude not to allow a man mess with me neither am I supposed to love him more or quickly reveal the love I have for him. I have believed the old wives myths of not allowing a man access me till he's spent, covertly accepted worldly standards of love-to say "No" even if it should be a "Yes" until he's licked the soles of my feet trekked through deserts,sweated up and down Mount Everest as a prove of his undying love. I have secretly endorsed lying philosophies about men and agreed with some feminist moves about the L.O.V.E(some say single women should not be too available to a a man,while loving less). All of these are detrimental to the God kind of love you so desire I imbibe and embrace and these lies contribute to my staying on the same mountain all γεαr round. I have a misconstrued ideology of not letting a man know I love him because of someone's exaggerated analysis on men,even swallowed "panadol" for another babe's heartache, worn my neighbour's over sized jacket about men taking advantage of women therefore permitting all the negative experiences of marriage and divorce permeate my soul.
So Father I am here, an amateur lover who has the poetic skills and rhymes but so new to love. I confess I neither know how to or keep love. I have the words but lack the oil to lubricate the engine when in crisis. I am like a snail when there's a misunderstanding, my shell is safe to stay alone throwing tantrums and acting like a baby. I have a masters in frowning and a PH.d for mood swing when there are scores to settle....
Father, I won't stay this way with a long list of who I am not supposed to be again. That was my sordid past and this is a new day for me to be a new creation. I am before you weeping till I'm changed. I want to love so true and love the way you directed us to. I am like a dissected animal open to learning. I need YOU then I can love my man.
I drop all false pattern of marriage picked from home, friends and neighbours. I lay aside selfish attitudes, the ME and only me nature, the subtle opinionated,domineering and wanting to stay in charge syndrome.
Take away independence, impatience, sarcasm, coldness and stubbornness. Don't allow that in ten years time,I'm bored stiff with marriage and regrets of settling for this man. Today(my deliverance has come), I shall love genuinely and wholly without prejudice or greed. I shall have the ONLY true pattern of love found in Christ and not man's experience.
Make every moment exciting for me to stay married. Let me enjoy marriage no matter the bumps, thorns and poodles we encounter. As we get to a fork or detour, help us to stop, ponder and wait for you to lead and guide us with your eyes. Let us trust each other for life knowing we are but frail and fallible.
Make me handy, homely and virtuous that he will long to run home to me forever more amen. "
As theoretical as my prayers sound, its the reality of who I have been all these while and today, I have found SALVATION and I'm now so ready to take the baton as a wife to the man who's made me love like the newest mad woman in town. The goodnews: I will marry Him!